This past fall was fast and furious. It was filled with showers, parties, weddings, events, travel, etc. And in the midst of it all and the chaos of life I was forced to face the facts of life. I can't have it all. I can't do all that I once wanted to in this life. And I had to make some choices. This was an internal struggle and one that I didn't even know I was having until I came out of it. My struggle was for my heart's desire, finding what that was and having the courage to pursue it. I'm not sure all this abstract is making sense so here's the black and white of it. I guess I was a year late because I think all these feelings and thoughts probably come at a big age change (like 30), and last year I turned 31.
Always eager to help Daddy
You see, I'd begun to wonder if what I had was enough. And to start desiring a life that I don't have. Wasn't I supposed to travel the world? I'm 31 and I wanted to ride jumping horses and I barely had time to pet my horses. Do I want more kids when these 3 are chaos enough and prevent me from doing all the 'me' things that I want to do? I love writing, when am I going to write that children's book I've had floating around in my head for months now? What's my goal for life? What do I want most? The fact that we were hiring babysitters for various functions added to this….Dalton and I could have date nights if I could just get my kids to like it when I leave. Church would be easier if they'd just be quiet in the nursery. Wouldn't it be fun to have them not interrupt my sleep at night? Those people with 2 kids sure do have it easy. Don't get me wrong…during this time I never regretted my 3 kids; never even thought like that, but the pull to say "we're done" and train them the "proper" way so that I can fill my desires at any time was strong. All of this was going through my head as I prepared my heart for Christmas, sought the scriptures about my desires and God's desires, and prayed for guidance. "If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given to him." James 1:5
Battle of the bats, and playing feed store with a loading dock
Life always has nature lessons…like the time we were admiring a beautiful bird when
Sven came along and made it his lunch.
Then January came and God gave me clarity like never before. It was (and is) amazing how He spoke to me and opened my eyes to my life's direction and His desire for me. Throwing aside the world's view of what I should do and want; and throwing aside my flesh's desire to want stuff and time for me me me, He took that part of me that was struggling and gave it a confidence, assurance and abundance like never before. And that is where I am now…….loving home, sure of my calling as a Mama homemaker wife and joyful with all that it brings. Now I've always been a pretty joyful person (according to my family and friends) and this joy is all the more full. So what's clear now? What is my heart's desire?
Family……children (lots)…….making my home a joyful place for all who come here……doing things to benefit my family…….cherishing my treasures in the good and the bad. It all sounds totally cliche I know, but it's now almost May and I'm still feeling this joy so deep and the love for my station in life so completely that I know it's Him in me. "The thief comes only to steal, kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly." John 10:10
Muscle man
My kids do not like to be left with sitters, and they do not like the nursery. At times I've felt slighted because of this or guilty that they weren't doing what all the other kids could do, but now instead of feeling like I'm missing out, I feel so incredibly honored that they love me that much. I'm not worried about training them to enjoy nursery anymore; instead we're training them to sit in church with us and worship as a family. No, it's not always easy. Yes, we get looks from people who think our kids should be in the back, but that's ok. We know that in the long run, having our kids with us early will keep them from having to be trained to do that later on. "Train up a child in the way he should go, even when he is old he will not depart from it." Proverbs 22:6
Yes, because of my kids' attachment we don't go on date nights often, and I for sure don't go many places by myself, but that's ok! We have friends to help for those times we really need to go out, and honestly I don't need to pamper myself nearly as much as my flesh tells me I need to. The world tells me I need to be able to go to the gym and get regular pedicures and have time alone regularly and that the kids shouldn't stop me from that. But my heart and soul tells me that my kids are my mission and my kids are only with me for about 18 years if God is so gracious. "Yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes." James 4:14 I'll have plenty of time later for gyms and pampering, Lord willing. And it took God whispering that into my heart to help me believe it.
Having 3 kids under 5 means we don't get to do all the things that our friends get to do. We've been invited to game nights without kids, and we've come to the place where it's ok for us to say no and stay home for family game night….without feeling deprived or left out. God has us in a different stage, and if we truly want to go down this path of having more kids than most then that's part of it…..less trips, less adult time, less fitting the mold. I had to wrestle with that, and so did Dalton (though it's easier for him because he's happy staying home most of the time anyway) and see what we valued. If the answer would've been community with others, or dates and couple trips, then that would have changed our plans…..but we value children and our calling as parents. God's Word that says children are a blessing, a heritage from the Lord to be cherished and valued and loved and poured into every second. I want Jesus to say well done good and faithful servant as He sees my children grow. "Behold children are a blessing from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward." Psalm 127:3
My 3 little explorers
Back porch picnics are always special
I love horses, riding and jumping. I love going and doing. And I had to wrestle with these and see, once again, if what God's given me is enough for right now. Last year I told Dalton if he bought me a jumping horse we could stop having kids. He didn't do it….I think he thought I'd go back on my word (and I probably would have), but even saying that to him forced me to work through what I want out of life. If being a mom to a house full of kids is my priority, then I have to know that I won't be able to do other things that I desire. (Even though I'm confident that I will have a jumping horse again someday.) I can't travel the world with 4 kids hanging on my legs. Is that ok? And once again God told me yes. I still want to travel and I think that I will. But right now loving home and putting the raising of my kids to love the Lord as top priority is what I want more. "And Jesus took a child and put him in the midst of them, and taking him in his arms, he said to them, 'Whoever receives one such child in my name receives me, and whoever receives me, receives not me but him who sent me." Mark 9:36-37
Home is where the heart is. You hear that so much and read it on signs. I've seen it and read it too and thought that's a sweet saying. But if you look at it backwards it makes more sense to me…..if your heart isn't there, it won't be a home. And I don't want my home to be vying for my heart's attention and competing with the world and with my desires. I want my home to have a heart and to give my home and it's inhabitants my heart (second to God of course ; ) And since I've started making this a priority it's amazing how my home has blossomed. No more counting down until a bigger house so there's room for everyone and everything……God blesses us in so many ways because we don't have a big house. My childhood was blessed because of a small home and the bonds made in it, and I'm excited to see what bonds we make in this one. Besides, what we don't have room for inside we make up for in our yard….plenty of room there!! "An excellent wife who can find? She is worth far more than precious jewels. The heart of her husband trusts in her ad he will have no lack of gain. She does him good and not harm all the days of her life." Proverbs 31:10-12
My grandparents recently came to visit and as they got the tour of the place my Grandmas kept saying "What a big house you have! So much room!" I was so humbled by their visit and those comments. Here I am tempted to compare to others and yet when I look around I realize how right she is. Thankful for wisdom of those who appreciate the 'way things used to be' and still see things through those eyes. Our home is definitely not perfect and we have some issues that are yet to be resolved, but God's put a joy in my heart even in those. Even when I'm yelling from the shower for Dalton to "check the water heater!" because the water has gone cold I'm not bitter as I was tempted to be at other times. And the fact that one bathroom always smells awful is just a minor problem….that's what candles are for. And when I try to reorganize an already full closet I'm not wishing for a bigger house, but now wondering how I can downsize to fit. "Humble yourself before the Lord and He will exalt you." James 4:10
But the house isn't the heart of my home, it's those inside it. I love being home with the boys more than ever. We run laps around the house for exercise and to make sure that they take good naps. We explore together and take walks to their 'favorite tree' in the pasture. I love the hum of the ceiling fan as I read them stories and lay with them until they fall asleep at nap time….waiting until their breath is slow and steady before I crawl out and leave the room, lump in my throat because I love them so much. "Above all keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins." 1Peter 4:8
I love getting to watch them learn to get along. Learning to cherish those moments when I have to intervene and give a lesson on brotherly love and rules of the house, instead of rolling my eyes and snapping so I could move on to something 'more important.' I love watching Cooper learn and see the wheels turning as he's doing phonics. I love that we're doing it together. Thinking about our decision to homeschool, I'm so glad that I don't have to send him away from me for 8 hrs every day for the next 12 years. The more I think about that fact, the crazier it seems to me that for the majority of our kids' lives, parents spend less awake time with their kids than their teachers do. Thankful for the opportunity to stay at home and be my kids' teacher, not just the ABC's and 123's but more importantly God's Word too. "And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise." Deuteronomy 6:6-7
I love sitting in the yard swing while the boys zoom around me on their machines and flit from one thing to the next until all of the yard and toys in it have been touched and explored. Then we flop on the grass and laugh together, listening to every vehicle that goes by until we finally hear Daddy's truck. It's a joy to check the cows with the kids and hear Cooper yell out tag numbers as they go by and hear Tucker moooooing the entire time. And seeing the boys want to be just like Daddy, who speaking of, I love too. For his steadiness and patience; for his willingness to listen to my ramblings and dreams, knowing he'd rather be doing something else; for not shutting the door on more children like many husbands do…knowing I still have a longing in my heart for more; for providing for us daily and seeking to grow spiritually so he can help us to do the same. "Be watchful, stand firm in the faith, act like men, be strong. Let all that you do be done in love." 1 Corinthians 16:13-14
Before my 'joyful increase' bath time was a chore, and one that I passed off to Dalton as often as I could. But now I've learned to enjoy it. Watching the boys make "bubble heads" and seeing Tucker observe and laugh at everything his brothers do. And smelling those clean little boys as I dry them off and get their PJ's on. Why haven't I enjoyed this before? Because I was waiting for me time instead of just letting 'us' time be enough.
Since having kids I've struggled when Dalton works late. By the time 5 o clock hits I'm exhausted and about out of ideas for entertainment. The temptation for me is to demand me time and start counting minutes and add up black marks for each one past the designated time home. But lately I've realized that I can't desire a house full of kids and me time too. If I want more than what I have, I have to show Dalton that I can handle what I have, 24 hours a day. That doesn't mean I don't practically throw Tucker at him when he gets home sometimes….because I do. It just means that on those late days I've learned to take ownership of my job and get the job done right because it's my job. Having a clean house, clean boys and supper ready when he gets home late is a challenge, and one that brings me such satisfaction when accomplished. Much more satisfaction than him coming home to a dirty house and boys, with PB and J for supper and a moody wife just to show him I need him here. "It is better to live in a corner of the housetop than in a house shared with a quarrelsome wife." Proverbs 21:9
My boys have a way of always gravitating to me when I'm on the couch, or in bed, or in a chair, or standing up, basically wherever I am they come. And I love it more and more. I love that they want to be near me, that they want to be close and not far. Children are such a precious gift and I want to treasure them as God says we should. "Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one's youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them! He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate." Psalm 127:4-5
Playing like they are horses in a pen. Glued to the TV for some great show it looks like.
I love that Cooper says he wants 3 more brothers and 3 sisters (even though he's probably not getting that many) because he thinks of his siblings as a good thing so he wants more of them. Hearing him tell Ace and Tucker he loves them or forgives them when they are mean to him melts my heart, and hearing Ace tell me that Tucker is his "most favorite friend" when Coop is at school is a joy. From my experience growing up, I've learned that it's ok not to have lots of friends around all the time. When you're with your family more you rely on them more and you're closer. My boys are showing me that and it makes my heart full. To take them to a birthday party and see them choose to play with each other and look out for each other is a precious thing.
I've been baking all of our bread for about a month now.
It's a good feeling making something from scratch and the kitchen smells amazing!
Following right along with his preacher brothers.
I love cleaning up after them (seriously) and teaching them to clean up too. I love it when their room is tidy and just waiting for them. I enjoy the beauty of a clean house at nap time, so that I can read the Word and learn more about my true love, Jesus. And to treasure Him and soak up what He said…..until the patter of little feet distracts me and I watch a sleepyhead come around the corner in his undies, rubbing his eyes and heading straight for my arms. I love the dances we have to crazy music and even listening to the same three songs in the car all the time. And I love hearing them sing hymns like Come Thou Fount or Be Thou My Vision. "Oh come let us sing to the Lord; let us make a joyful noise to the rock of our salvation! Let us come into His presence with thanksgiving; let us make a joyful noise to him with songs of praise. For the Lord is a great God, and a great Kind above all Gods." Psalm 95:1-3
"Bot bot?" He dug around until he found these, hoping I'd give him one.
I know this post has rambled on…..and I'm not even sure my point has come across. Loving home is what life is about for me. Loving where God has put us, and what God has called us to right now in this moment. Loving all the aspects of it, and using it to make us love Him and become more like Him in the process. And this post has been warm and fuzzy but we still have lots of challenges that God's using to mold us and shape us. We're still up at night taking kids to the bathroom or getting whiney baby and bringing him to our bed. There is usually a spilled drink once a day at the table….but God has taken the anger that it used to cause and replaced it with an opportunity to show grace and love. The boys are still learning to obey and still get spankings and time out regularly. And there are plenty of bumps and bruises from constant spills and thrills. We still can't consistently go to a restaurant without having to leave with a screaming child and most Sundays one of the kids has to get taken out by Daddy. Tempers still flare, patience is something I'm still praying for more of, and I'm still learning how to be a supportive wife and not let the "I wants" rule my attitude. But overall, at the end of the day…...
I love my life and pray that rain or shine, good or bad, trial or triumph that God will instill in me a lasting and deeper joy for what He's done and given. "Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness or danger or sword?…..No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved u. For I am sure than neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor eight nor depth nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:35, 37-19
Filling in a hole they dug. Sometimes you just have to sit and think for a minute.
THE END (sorry, I just couldn't resist these chubby cheeks)
"He has told you O man, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness and to walk humbly with your God?" Micah 6:8
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