Today was a day of 'I feels' for me. Bogged down by the daily grind, sometimes the heart takes over and I let myself wallow in self pity or self loathing. Today it was a combination. It started as self loathing and turned to self pity. It went something like this.
I feel grody and stinky because I'm constantly being spit up on.
I feel like Jabba the Hut with Medusa hair.
I feel very un-beautiful and have to take a second look in the mirror to make sure it's really me through all the frizz, spit up, blotchy skin and 'home clothes'.
I feel frustrated because Ace's spit up has gotten no better...in fact it may be worse.
I feel confused because I don't know what to do about the spit up situation.
I feel like I'm letting Coop down because I'm not doing more activities and learning games with him.
I feel like a bum because when I do have free time all I want to do is rest on the couch or take a cat nap.
I feel like I'll never catch up on the laundry (which may be a fact).
I feel like I'm not keeping up with the expectations I've set for myself as a wife and mother, not to mention expectations I've come up with from looking at Pintrest.
I feel tired all the time from not sleeping through the night and being denied caffeine.
I feel no desire to limit myself in any way when it comes to what I eat, even though I know it's time to get serious about those last 10 pounds.
I feel guilty because I haven't been able to keep up with my Bible study and reading like I want to.
I feel sad because I never do things I used to do... go riding, go to the gym, feel important.
You get the picture. All of these I feels have resulted in low productivity, self pity and a desire to cry several times a day.
So now that I've realized I can't do this, any of this, very well I've come to the end of myself. I can only do so much and it isn't enough. Most of the good intentions I have are just that, intentions. As I've come to the end of myself I find myself praying even more and more for the Lord's help in all of little things in life...not just the big stuff.
And you know what? I've heard God whispering to my spirit..."Finally! I've been here waiting for you to give up so that I can take over and work through you and change you."
These days when I've had a case of the "I Feels," and I finally give up and give it all to God, He usually give me peace like a river and joy overflowing. The clothes piling up aren't that big of a deal; spit up is just part of being a momma; Cooper is learning new things daily even when I'm not teaching him and Dalton still tells me I'm beautiful, even though I don't feel like it.
"The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?" Jeremiah 17:9 This scripture is what I have to turn to when my heart tells me how to feel. Instead I have to remember "my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus," Philippians 4:19 and "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ," Ephesians 1:3. And I count my blessings....too many to list.
Then I have to remember that it's not about how I feel. It's about how these guys feel.
Do they feel loved?
Do they feel taken care of?
Does Dalton feel appreciated?
Do they feel peace, joy and love when they enter the house?
If I can make sure that the answer to these things is yes, then God can and will take care of the rest. What an awesome God we serve, one who cares so much for me that He'd help me finish laundry and teach ABC's to a toddler, all with a joyful heart (and medusa hair).
"In the beginning was the Word; and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was with God in the beginning. All things were created through Him, and apart from Him not one thing was created that has been created. In Him was life, and that life was the light of men." John 1:1-4
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